I’m just going to get right into this while the emotions are flowing.
I’m going to ignore the fact that I haven’t written any sort of blog-type thing in months. I haven’t even been writing in my personal journal. I’m not going to make excuses, or try to speculate as to why I fall out of these habits. Right now, I just need to briefly spew some words.
This afternoon, on May the 5th, of the year 2013, at 3 o’clock, I performed my senior recital.
This week has been the most uncomfortable, wreck less, uncontrollable ride of emotions. I went from being laid-back and “chill”, to having my very first anxiety attack (in the middle of a class of all places), to somewhere in between.
While I may have made a bigger deal out of this event in my head than I should have, this recital was everything to me. I’ve been struggling with confidence issues (mostly musically), and I really get myself down when I don’t play well. On the verge of graduating with a performance degree, I guess I simply feel like I should be further along as a musician (despite what others tell me). But I think it’s good that I never let myself be comfortable with my skill level, and it’s truly been a most difficult time pushing myself through these rough spots and times of doubt.
With that being said, this concert that I put on with the help of four of my incredibly talented friends was a bit of a personal test. I didn’t care that my teachers were there grading me, taking notes, and listening carefully. It was a test for my future, and if I didn’t do well, I’m not sure how I would proceed from here. I had moments of anxiety and being overly tense, but in the larger picture, things went SO much better than I anticipated (for me personally, like I said, my band was amazing).
So now here I am, 10 hours after the show, working on spanish homework. And I can’t fight off these feelings of extreme relief, exhaustion, and quite frankly a hovering somberness. All I can think of now is the 2 weeks from today where my friends and I will be holding our undergrad diplomas, and getting ready to move on with our lives. I will miss these past 2 years at New Paltz more than I express, and I think it will take some time for me to truly move on. At the moment, I need to just get through the next two days, and then I can really breathe.
That was (as usual), longer than intended, but WHATEVERRRRRR.
See you in a few more months (el-oh-el).